This Just In: Winter is COLD!

I know, you live in Houston, this information might shock you!

I read a few months ago winter would be cold and wet. Amazingly enough, the meteorological community FINALLY got something right. I’ve been reading your status updates and tweets, and I am here to say . . .

ENOUGH is ENOUGH!

I’m going to follow-up this post with how soft I’ve gotten on Houston’s freeways, but today is about the sissies in Houston who can’t take a little cold in winter. You people are PATHETIC! I’m a native, and I am making it through these cold months just fine. Hunker down or move to California! Seriously, I know you think Texas is this wonderfully temperate climate, but this is still home of the Blue Northers!

You know what Blue Northers are, they are those crazy days when you wear shorts, skirts or generally warm weather clothing only to have the temperature drop some 30 degrees in a little less than 20 minutes. WAKE UP! If you live in Houston, and don’t check the weather forecast daily (if not hourly), you have no business living in Houston. There’s a saying about the weather in Houston . . .

If you don’t like the weather, wait a minute, it’ll change.

This is truth, and your constant tweets and status updates are nothing more than a dare to the Great Mother Nature to screw with you HARDCORE! Seriously, SHUT UP! Every time I read one of these status updates (knowing the 5-day forecast), it drives me nuts! If you don’t know the weather in over the next FIVE days, you’re not a real Houstonian. We get REAL weather here in Space City, not like you get it . . .

In Los Angeles:
“Yeah, so like, it’s going to be sunny and stuff here in the Southern California idea. Be on the lookout for Brad and Angelina!”

In New York:
“What do you care about the weather, it sucks! FUGGEDABOUTIT!”

In Chicago:
“It’s going to be windy.”

In Miami:
“Hace mucho calor, vive el Super Bowl!”

For the record, any of you sumbitches that complained out the weather this week, everyone on the Eastern Seaboard that will GLADY give you a swift kick in the ass. If you think our rainy, gloomy and cold week was bad, they’ll gladly show you how bad it could be. WAKE UP! Get over yourselves! It’s FEBRUARY, and officially what the ancients called WINTER! It’s going to be COLD.

In all seriousness, no pun intended, CHILL OUT! We just saw the Opening Ceremonies of the WINTER Olympics. This is no time for flip flops and shorts! Embrace a Hot, Buttered Rum and/or the Hot Toddy! While we do live in a semi-tropical climate, we still do get the fortunate, YES FORTUNATE, experience of Winter. Furthermore, if you have a romantic partner, I really do not know what you are complaining about! Who really needs an excuse for extra warmth in the bedroom. I mean, REALLY?!

So, as well continue through what has been promised to be a cold February, Puxsutawney Phil’s forecast notwithstanding, LIVE WITH IT! Everytime you tweet or update your status about the cold weather in Houston, a baby polar bear dies. It’s not fair, but I’m not of the mind to have Houston being the source of polar bears being listed as an endangered species. And, I really like those Coca Cola commercials!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGyn0hmTF6A]
So if you want to continue the blatant destruction of the world’s polar bear community, by all means, please update your status and tweet about how cold it is in Houston, TX. The world will certainly sympathize with your plight. God knows it doesn’t get cool anywhere else during the winter months, and your voice should be heard.

I will pause to say, if you do continue to bitch about the cold (and killing polar bear cubs the world round), and continue to bitch when it, believe it or not, gets hot in the summer. I will personally feed you to the mother of said polar bear cub myself.

And always, in the words of Oscar Wilde, remember:

“Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.”